Just

Just wriggle and squirm, shed like snake skin, this self-impose straight jacket, that I just found myself in.

The view is hostile, enemies all around, I’ll just close my eyes, but still hear the sounds.

Completely engulfed, in rage and tears, just cry out screaming, defying these fears.

What is this body, just a fleck of dust, it is nothing, just an object of lust.

These thoughts are nuclear, yet just won’t harm, anyone other than, this insane creator one.

Intentions matter, but not to matter, material does just not appear, no matter how mad the hatter.

Thinking to infinity, just do it or don’t, mindscapes betray me, someone might care or just wont.

Trudging the Road

I am tired. The divorce is finalized, but my work is far from over. I have to file two years of back income taxes, file for bankruptcy, put my condo up for sale with in 30 days, and find some place to live once it sells. I am working 9.5 hour days to make up for missing work for court on Tuesday, and I’m just completely drained.

I am still making five meetings a week, talking to my sponsor daily, reading daily, praying daily, listening to speakers in my car on the way to work, and soon I will need to get to work on my second 4th step. I am not looking forward to it. The first time around, I was happy to do it. I wanted to unload all the demons of my past. This time around, I feel like I should have known better. I knew I was an alcoholic. I knew there was a solution, and I knew how to stay sober. Still, I said “I’ve got this,” and proceeded to royally screw up my life. I used and hurt people, stole, lied, and drank my way to oblivion.

After my first fuck up, I tried to go back to AA as usual. I got a new sponsor and pretended nothing happened. Every second in every meeting I felt like a fraud. I stayed sober for some time, but it was easier to fall away from AA the second time. I never felt like I really came back anyways. I wasn’t honest and was pretending to be something I was not.

I got wrapped up in a new and exciting love at the same time my entire world changed. I filed for an order of protection, bought a car, got a fulltime job, put my son in daycare, and then filed for divorce all in the span of a month or two. I got busy, and my sparse free time was completely ear marked (by me) for time with new love. I stopped going to meetings, and eventually was left, yet again, defenseless against that first drink.

A deadly dance ensued of sober periods followed by deceptive drunken excursions. If it wasn’t such a serious, life threatening disease, I would describe some of the shit I pulled as comical shenanigans. Alas, they were not.

I would quit, start again, quit, start again, and then I got back to that hellish place where I couldn’t stop. I always end up there. All self talk in my head grew very hostile. What the hell are you doing? You know this could ruin everything. You could lose everything. You idiot! What the hell is the matter with you?! All thoughts were quickly dismissed by the obsession of how I was going to get my next drink.

I had been sober since a short stint in the hospital. Then the e-mail came that the judge had set my divorce case to go to trial. I threw my hands up and set my intentions on getting obliterated that night, and I did, bringing my partner along for the ride. I drank a bit the next day too, but something had happened and my partner decided he needed to get to a meeting and it couldn’t wait. So I took him to where I knew there were good people. My birthday was very lack luster this year as it was detox day 1, but that didn’t matter to me at all. We’ve been going to meetings together ever since.

My dilemma now is clearing away the wreckage of the past. My mistake in “coming back” the first time, was not being honest and getting everything out of me. So, I have got to do this 4th/5th step with my new sponsor. But as I said, I am TIRED. Perhaps a bit of self care and a good nights sleep will help renew my zeal to really dig in to my dirt. I suppose we shall see. All I really know is that it is something I absolutely have to do if I want to stay sober and keep growing in the program. And I do want that; more than anything in the world.

To The Future

I have an amazingly smart little boy. Yes, I know most parents say this.  I got to spend the majority of the first two years of his life home with him. Now that I am working and he goes to daycare, he surprises me with new abilities every day. We are having conversations. He can understand logic. His memory is sometimes scary, as is his ability to figure out technology. Potty training is almost conquered, and he is able to do a lot independently. He has friends that give him hugs goodbye when I pick him up from daycare. He is turning into this little person, and it is all happening so fast.

He is growing up, while I am tearing down. I am trying to get through this divorce and start life anew. I want to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. I am going to have to file for bankruptcy and possibly find someplace new to live; a prospect that is not nearly as scary as it once was. I want to do a couple things dramatically different this time around. I want to find a job I don’t hate, or at least one that is remote. I want to get rid of my car and use the money I save to start investing. I want to live each day as happily as possible. I am tired of the mind numbing, soul crushing monotony of working a 9-5. Endless days spent daydreaming about the weekend, and saying “One day…” No more of that nonsense.

I have learned to live with very little. Granted, my definition of “very little” as an American is very different from most of the world, but as a lower middle class single parent in the Midwest, I do not need much to survive. I want to find a way of living in which that allows me to thrive and create a different future for my son. Really, isn’t that all anyone wants? Perhaps not. But for me, these are my goals.